Loss

**This post deals with events that might be traumatic for some people, notably miscarraige. You have been warned.**

One of the webcomics I read regularly is Ctrl-Alt-Delete. It’s a comic about gamers, and is usually funny, often ironic, and occasionally, very emotive. Is that the right word? This is a post about the latter, one comic that struck a particular chord with me.

Cut added for those who’d prefer not to read the rest of this post.

Long ago, in a previous life, my wife and I had what I call a mini-miscarriage. (This is bound to stir up controversy.) We had a pregnancy scare. We’d been thinking about kids, but I was never ready. One day she told me she was late. Over a month. We waited another month, still no indication of regular monthly cycle.

I can’t remember now if she took a pregnancy test and it was positive or not. My mind says yes, but sometimes my mind fills in blanks with details that are suspect to the rational part of me. It matters not.

It turned out we weren’t pregnant. I’d gotten really excited. So had she. (I’m trying to refrain from telling anything of her point of view – that’s not my business.) I’d already talked to my Mom and Brother about the whole thing. I’d come to the conclusion that this was a “good thing”.

Finding out that she wasn’t pregnant was heartbreaking. This is what I refer to as a mini-miscarriage. The emotional loss was there, but there was never anything to lose in the first place.

Fast forward to last summer. Sami and I had moved into our new house, and life was good. I was already “Daddy” to Ivy, or at least it was starting. Samantha and I found out we were pregnant. It wasn’t exactly planned, or prepared. She was on birth control. I guess we can go ahead and call it a “happy accident”. We weren’t planning on kids yet, but then again, we were having sex. I guess that means we accepted it as an option. We are after all adults, and we know that sex is the leading cause of babies.

After about month three I began to have my own personal hell. I was really excited. I didn’t want to show it too much, for the chance that I might curse it was always on my mind. Every time Sam went to the doctor, I was scared that I would get “The Call”.

“The Call” is the phone call that I answer. In my imagination I’m always happy go lucky when I answer the phone, but grief quickly intrudes. There will be no baby for me.

I don’t know how I would have dealt with that. I had very close friends who did, and now are happily toodling along in their next pregnancy – but the grief in their eyes in that time was hard to be around. What do you say? I generally took the quiet road and said not much. A quick “I’m sorry for your loss” and that was that.

Head to ctrl-alt-delete today and read the comic “Loss”. Ethan works at a game store, and got a phone call from the hospital. His fiancee Lilah is pregnant. That’s about all the backstory you need. Actually, Tim drew it so well, I’m not sure you even need that.

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One response to “Loss

  1. I’m sure your friends understood. And are probably really grateful that you didn’t actually say much… sometimes that’s easier to swallow than the constant “How are you doing?” that some people will give you….

    Thanks for being such an awesome friend.

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